Falling on Deaf Ears

I’m a listener.

I like to listen. I’m good at listening. So many of my relationships are based upon that fact. I have many people who pour out their day to me, their thoughts, their troubles, etc. I love that. I love being a safe space. Everything they tell me is in confidence and it’ll stay that way. I want to always be that for them, especially for my close friends.

But I feel like listening is a two-way act of mutual respect. And sometimes, the other person needs to talk too. Unfortunately, there aren’t many other listeners out there. Granted, I have amazing friends and family who DO listen. But, many times in general day-to-day life, I end up being run over in conversations. Many times when I try to change the conversation or pour out something that’s important to me, it gets ignored. The person I’m talking to plows through with his or her own thoughts and concerns, and leaves my words in the dust.

I shouldn’t have to be at my rope’s end to feel like someone is listening. I should be able to talk about everyday things. I should be able to explain why the change at my job has affected my life, my thoughts on a good vacation spot, my ideas about an upcoming event.

Today I went to a book discussion and I found myself amazed when the professor leading the discussion made eye contact with me, took in what I said, and then replied. She wasn’t just waiting for me to finish so that she could go on with something she had been waiting to say. She genuinely wanted to know my thoughts and hear what I had to say too. I was surprised by how much this took me by surprise.

Everyone has a deep need for communication. I’ve met so many very outgoing people who complain that their friends don’t reach out enough to them. I understand that, but these are the same people who when are reached out to, only reply in emojis. For anyone who’s a bit old fashioned, like myself, this isn’t enough to make someone want to reach out.

I realized that this rare trait of genuine and complete communication was what made me fall in love with my husband. In my wedding vows to him, I told him that he was the first person I ever met who I thought really listened to me. So many other people may have heard me, but he listened.

Every message I sent to him, he replied back to, touching on every point I made. He’s the best, most unselfish communicator I’ve ever met, and that was what I fell in love with. I just wish that more people understood the give and take of a conversation. 

Sometimes "Normal" is a Compliment

It’s funny to think of the little things that cement a relationship.

For example, I knew that Brentton was going to be my husband when we were on our first in-person date. We were in Toys R Us (yes, I know) in the Lego section and I started to sing, “Darkness…” and he finished with “No parents.” And as silly as that Lego Movie reference sounds, it really turned the tide for me.

Brentton said that he knew I was the one for him when we were still long-distance dating. During one of our instant-message type conversations, I told him that I could handle him. In the moment, I actually felt kind of silly saying it…but I knew I had to say it. It was almost as if I was being told to say it. To me, it didn’t mean all that much, but to Brentton, who had been told by countless ex-girlfriends that they couldn’t “handle” his emotions or “handle” his personality, being told “I can handle you,” was something he had never heard before.

In the same way, Brentton gave me a completely different kind of compliment one day when he told me that he liked me because I was “so normal.” That sort of stopped me in my tracks for a moment. I had never been called “normal” before. If you had asked me before that moment if the word “normal” was complimentary, I would have shrugged and said no. But, for some reason, when it first met my ears, I loved it.

I realized that I had always been considered a bit of a class clown by my non-theatre friends, and by my family, “a drama queen,” as my brother likes to call me. So many people had pointed out my differences, but no one had ever identified with me enough to call me “normal.”

I guess after you’ve spent your life feeling different from everyone, it’s nice to find someone who is just as different as you are, who finds those differences to be well…normal.

When you’re in these moments, they don’t always strike you as turning points, but later when you’ve had time to reflect, you realize that those are the moments that changed everything. Those are the moments where you’ll look back some day and realize it was your Donna Noble, “Turn Left” moment (a little nerdy reference for you Whovians out there).

They Don't Teach You Much in Marriage Class

They don’t teach you much in marriage class.

They poke and prod at your finances,

And ask if you’ve got all the right answers, I guess you’ll pass.

What they don’t tell you, could fill an entire book.

Like when it comes to sex,

If you’re inexperienced, will you even know where to look?

Okay, that was hyperbole,

But let’s be serious.

Everything changes, quickly.

It’s hard to explain why you’re busy all the time.

But you’ve made a new life for yourself and

You have another human to keep in mind.

Your apartment is tiny.

It’s not like the place you used to entertain.

Back then you didn’t even know the definition of tiny.

Your friends expect things to stay the same.

I guess you did too,

But it really is in vain.

Because things have changed.

It’s really for the better,

But your whole life is rearranged.

New place,

New man,

Cramped space.

But I need YOU as much as ever.

I’m still the girl who you’d call

To tell stories and whatever.

I still need you to ask me how I am at a long day’s end,

Because I still get lonely sometimes

And I really hope that you can remember an old friend.

My Ghost

My Ghost

By Abigail Shaffer

I am pursued

By the ghost

Of a man who never died.

His voice I hear

In my dreams—

He calls.

His face I’ve known

Since I was old enough

To draw.

Once I was told to choose

Between him,

And reality.

But I bet you will

Never guess

What I chose. 

Building Castles

Building Castles

By Abigail Shaffer

She despises him, because she once loved him so much.

She hates, because it’s the other half of love.

He’s spent his time arguing with a man in the sky,

Swearing loudly that he does not exist.

In the meantime, she’s been busy building her world,

Putting into practice the dreams they started together.

But it doesn’t matter to him. He’ll begin anew.

He takes another draft

of comfort and says he’ll try again tomorrow.

But it’s too late.

The years fly by and his time is half over.

What will become of a man who shakes his fists at the sky,

And hides away his talents from the wind?

It's 2017. How Does Sexism Still Exist?

How does sexism still exist? When as a woman, will I feel like I am completely of value to people?

A few months ago, before Brentton and I married, we were trying to find someone to give us pre-marital counseling (usually required by the person who officiates) and to marry us. We went to this one guy, and I just left with a sick feeling in my stomach. The man had not only pitted Brentton and I against each other with his questions, but he paid me almost zero attention the whole time. And once we told him we don’t have any plans for children right now, he shut down towards me completely, as if I was solely to be blamed for that decision.

Brentton and I walked out fighting, and we both realized that this man had done more harm than good. I don’t think a counselor is supposed to START fights. I know sometimes that information they dig up and be the source of some contention, but the way he did it was downright malicious.

Then, there was last night. We went to a financial planner who had been recommended to us. All week I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I thought about it. This, in the past, has ALWAYS meant, “GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!” yet, I don’t think I’ve ever listened to it once. Lol I felt like it would be good to get the opinion of a professional, on our finances as we are starting out.

Well. This woman had no interest in me. At all. She shook hands with me when we walked in, and then turned to Brentton and said, in a long, drawing voice, “Hellllloooooooo!”

I’m a girl. I know flirting when I see it.

Anyway, we sat down with her for two hours and talked about jobs and money and 401Ks. And I mean, sometimes she looked in my direction and asked me what she had to, but for the most part, she just talked to Brentton. When she asked him about his job, she asked him dozens of questions. So many, that I thought we would never move on. When she got to me, she asked where I worked…and then it was back to Brentton. That was it.

She even asked us questions that I felt would be better directed towards a single person, than a married couple. She kept asking questions that not only pitted us against each other, but that made it sound like our financial life together was a contest. The questions were things like, “Which of you is better at saving.” I mean, no matter what, someone comes out as the “winner” here. In our relationship we are VERY similar in how we deal with money, it’s one of the best things about our partnership. Yet, here we were, feeling like we were in a contest against each other.

By the end of the night, I was so angry. I had been slighted before by men, and treaded like I was a second-rate human. I’ve even been treated as the little home-maker, housewife before…but I have never been so treated by another woman. How can a woman treat another woman so badly? Has feminism taught her nothing? Does she honestly believe men are superior to women, with her, being a woman herself?

Sure, she could just be an absolute (fill-in-the-blank), and was openly flirting with my husband right in front of me, but I got the definite feeling that there was more to it than that. She didn’t think my contribution to the family was worth it. She didn’t care about my benefits or my income, or how this would affect me. She just cared about the man sitting there. As the woman, I was an afterthought.

P.S. If all you took from this was that we don’t want children, then YOU are part of the problem. 

If You Lived in a Jane Austen Book

If you lived in a Jane Austen book:

You would probably have lots of sisters.

You would be proposed to by your cousin (apparently not too gross back then), although you are not his first choice.

Either your mother, or your father would have a “complaint of the nerves” or a “delicate constitution” which will dictate everything in your life.

You should not trust the first handsome man you meet. Wait for the second.

If you’re over the age of about 27, you’re an “old maid,” and are obviously too old to find love. You must keep house for your widowed father now.

You will meet a dashing man in the militia, who you will think is the noblest man you will ever meet, however, he will undoubtedly turn out to be a complete scoundrel.

If a man is detestable to you early on, either because of his advanced age, or his sense of pride—hold out. He’s about to get really sexy.

Although your family might be considered middle class, or even poor, because your father is not a gentleman, you will still have servants and a house with a name that includes the word “manor” or “estate.”

Your younger sister will run off to live with an absolute scoundrel who used to be in love with you. He will ruin her reputation, soiling forever the good name of your entire family.

As the old adage goes, if he’s making fun of you, it’s because he likes you. In the same way, if he believes you are “not handsome enough to tempt” him, it’s because you’re TOTALLY handsome enough to tempt him.