I struggle with faith. I’m not necessarily talking about my
faith in God, because I trust that God exists. But my faith in other areas of
my life is weak and wavering.
Last year my mantra was “Just have faith.” I wrote it
everywhere. There was even a time when I discovered the words “have faith,”
written on a tiny slip of paper that had gotten jammed up inside of my phone’s
charging socket. There was absolutely no way that I or anyone else that I knew
could have put it there. I honestly have no idea where it came from, but it
definitely helped to bolster my faith, even in tiny miracles.
And for Christmas, my mother bought me a tiny silver ring
that simply has the word “FAITH” written across the band. I wore it so often
that the letters wore away and I had to buy a new one. These days, I refuse to
stop wearing it, because I need that
daily reminder to have faith. I need
to look down at my finger each day and see the word and be reminded to just
trust God and His plan for my life.
Some days I have so little faith that my life will work out
in a good way. I talked last night with one of my best friends, and we talked
about relationships, love, and where our lives are headed. We were both alarmed
by how cynical life had made us in later years, and scared because we don’t
want to go through life alone. I even told her that I no-longer believe in soul
mates. I feel like a little girl who grew up to realize that happily ever
afters aren't like they’re portrayed in Disney films.
I’m scared, which is a lack of faith. I’m not scared for my
well-being. Oddly enough I've never really been scared of that. God takes care
of me, physically. I always feel His beautiful presence watching over me. Yet,
I’m scared for my heart. And that’s the kicker. I trust God with my bodily safety,
yet, I don’t with my heart. What’s up with that?
Recently, I've started to let my guard down a bit, and let’s
just say that I fell into a mess of feelings. And do you know what? It scares
the hell out of me. I’m terrified of letting anyone get too close, because in
my experience, anytime you let anyone inside and learn to love again (in any
sort of relationship), you give that person a chance to hurt you. Usually they
do so unintentionally, but it still hurts just the same.
A dear friend recently told me that “faith is a muscle. You
have to exercise it, use it, in order to strengthen it.” But sometimes I don’t
want to strengthen it! It’s so much easier to just curl up into my shell and
use my favorite defense mechanism to just deny that I even have feelings of any
sort. Believe it or not, but that’s been the main way I've gotten through life
thus far. I like denial! Denial is my friend!
But even I know that it doesn't last forever…and sooner or
later I’m forced to tell the truth to myself. So this time around, I’m going to
try faith. I’m going to keep trying faith. I’m attending the Faith Gym, and I’m
working those faith muscles. And I’m going to keep telling myself that it’s
going to be alright. And I’m going to keep putting my life in God’s hands.
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