The Fat Girl Who Lives in My Head...

You know, when I moved to the beach a year and a half ago, no one knew me here. No one. Not a soul. There was no one who had watched me grow up, who knew my parents, who had seen my past relationships, who had seen my high school fat pictures.

That’s right. Fat pictures. Let’s face it. Most people have some, usually from that middle to high school time of life. As a teenager I was overweight by roughly 40lbs. I’m a tiny girl, only 5’ 4” with a very small frame. I remember falling onto the couch one time and being in an odd position, I was not able to get up.

Yeah. I try not to think about those days.

But I lost the weight, all 40lbs. And do you know how I did it? I exercised. I ate right. I worked my butt off (literally). I denied myself chocolate (and nearly every other sweet) for 5 years straight. I sacrificed. And it was hard, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But it was worth it.

Now today, I weigh right at my target weight, give or take a couple pounds. And I know that I’m thin, however, let me tell you something: the fat girl who lives in my brain is never going to go away. I’m conscious of every spoonful of food that goes in my mouth. I cringe at the way I look in my spandex ballet leotard. I still sometimes sit with a pillow over my stomach because I’m self-conscious of any rolls that might be there.

I get made fun of for these little quirks more often than you might think. My friends who make comments about my self-consciousness mean well. I think in a way they are trying to make me feel better or point out that I’m at a healthy weight. But do you know how they actually make me feel?

Bad. Just bad.

Most of the people who make comments are friends who didn't know me in my fat days. They've never seen me with extra weight on. When they look at me, they don’t know that I’m a girl who fights every day of her life to keep the weight off. They don’t know about the hundreds of sit-ups that I do daily to fight off the bulge. All they see is a skinny girl, who has always been skinny and can eat whatever she wants.

And although you might mean well, just like you wouldn't make fun of someone for being overweight, don’t tease someone who being skinny either, saying things like “Look at you! You could eat whatever you want!” because you automatically downgrade that person’s experience, that person’s struggles.

And if you too find yourself to be struggling with weight, I understand. I know where you are coming from. I’ve been there. You can make it through this. You can lose the weight. But just remember, you aren't the only one with this struggle, so please don’t put down other people because you think that they don’t understand what you’re going through. Chances are that that skinny girl on the beach has been right where you are at some point in her life.