Those Lip Balm Moments

I have this strange way of thinking. Every year, I have a habit of mentally reliving whatever I was doing the previous year at that exact same time. For example, let’s say that last year at this time I was playing a particular video game, and I had good memories of it, I’ll suddenly become nostalgic for that game again and want to play it. It goes the same way for the people I see, the foods I eat, the books I read, etc. I think it has something to do with my Synesthesia, but who knows. Even scientists can’t figure that beautiful mess out.   

Well, whatever it is, it’s really strong right now. I’m mentally reliving last January. I find myself craving the foods I was introduced to then, wanting to go the places that I first discovered at that time, and most of all, I find myself missing the guy I was dating then. You know, because I hold no anger or any ill feelings towards him anymore, it’s hard not to miss him. I don’t have that old hatred to comfort me. And in my mind, I keep expecting him to show up at my house, to take long walks with me in the dark around our neighborhood, to cuddle up with me on the couch on cold nights. And I have to mentally stop myself and remind my heart and my mind that those things aren't part of my reality anymore.

I dread when April comes, because then I know I’ll be mentally reliving the break-up again and it’s going to suck.

And one last pathetic detail: when we had been dating, my ex had given me a tube of the peppermint Burt’s Bees lip balm because he used it and he knew how much I loved it. I've sort of been absentmindedly using it ever since, and I’m one of those odd people who can actually use a tube of Chapstick all the way until it’s finished. Well, today I went to put some on, and I saw I had reached the end of the tube. And I know this sounds so pathetic, but it made me so sad. It was as if I was losing the last piece of him that I have.

I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like he’s dead. I never spoke to him after the break-up, and now that I’m no longer angry or hurt, I’m just…sad. It’s like mourning a lost loved one. It’s not all-consuming, but there are those moments…those lip balm moments…where I miss him so much that my heart aches.