Tough AND Loving

Growing up is hard. Here I am in my twenties and I’m just now realizing this. Since I've been on my own, life has been wonderful and terrible all at the same time. Suddenly my parents aren't right here with me day after day to keep me in check. Back home, they’d tell me when I’d cop an attitude or when I was being unreasonable. Now, it’s pretty much just up to me to gauge myself and make sure that I’m behaving correctly and making the right choices.

You know, there is no one here to protect me anymore. My family lives 4 hours away, I don’t have a boyfriend, and a lot of my closest friends are far away too. So, it’s pretty much just me going out and about. I always feel protected, though, because despite the lack of human protection around me, I've got a lot of God protection. His arms are around me like a hedge, and it makes me feel safe.

Yet at the same time, I've learned that as a single girl out in the world, I've got to be brave, I've got to be bold, and I've got to be rough sometimes. Yesterday I was talking with a coworker about height. When I told him I’m 5’4”, he said, “Wow! I always thought you were like 5’7”.” That made me happy, because I've discovered that ever since moving on my own, I've imagined in my head that I’m taller and bigger than I actually am. When I’m out, I walk with purpose and drive. It’s a protection mechanism so that when I’m walking through a sketchy part of town or somewhere in the city at night, I give off a “don’t mess with me” vibe.

Yet, I’m coming to learn that there is a fine line between being tough and not taking any crap from anyone, and being crass and bitter. I never want to be the latter, yet, some of the stuff that I've been through in the past year has definitely changed me, and not always for the better. However, I’m aware of that, and thankfully, I also have some friends who give me kind warning signs when I’m drifting too far toward the angry side of things.

And sometimes it just prompts me to reach out to God and just beg Him to help me. Sometimes I just ask, “God, please, don’t let life make me hard.” Growing up, I had the perfect, idyllic childhood. Nothing bad ever happened to me, so somehow, I wasn't prepared for my adult life to knock me off my feet in the ways that it has. Life has toughened my skin a lot, but I don’t want it to make me bitter. I want to be able to look back at my twenties and be proud of the times that I stood up for myself, yet did so kindly and with love.

                Dear God, help me to be both tough and loving…