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| This is an example of the type of wedding we will not be having. |
The older I get, the more I realize I don’t know. For
example, I didn’t know that a wedding would bring out the worst in so many
people—including myself. I told myself that brides get stressed during wedding
planning because they were planning those creampuff weddings with brocade
chairs and overdone centerpiece. Surely, our little pizza party affair would be
no stress at all.
Ha.
I laugh at myself now, looking back at myself 5 months
earlier. People lose their minds when someone gets married. There are just so
many emotions. Everyone wants to be invited; everyone wants to have their
flavor of cake; and oddly enough, few people think pizza is a wedding food. Everyone is a critic. You quickly, out
of self-defense of your own ideas, snap back, or close yourself off to those
prying eyes.
And I’m not saying that’s wrong, exactly. I mean, even Jesus
got a little snippy when it came to wedding plans. “Woman, why do
you involve me?” Jesus replied (John 2:4), when his mother asked him to help out with the
little wine situation they were having*.
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| This is a little more like it... |
On top of that, I feel like nothing in my life is stable at
the moment. I’m living out of my suitcase while my things are being moved to the
place where B and I will live. My job is changing, so my comfort level there
isn’t what it used to be, either. I feel like my solid rocks are gone, and I’ll
soon be leaving the cozy little neighborhood that I’ve called home for 4 years
now, to move to a city where you have to pass several strip clubs in order to
even reach our apartment.
Last week I was so worked up that I couldn’t even eat or
drink. Anything I put in my mouth, I choked on. Just drinking water was a huge
accomplishment for me. Anytime anyone would question me or something I said, I’d
get mad that they were so easily offended. Granted, there are a lot of people
who are grievously easy to offend, but that doesn’t make it my problem. I somehow
adopted an attitude of “if they don’t like it, then they can just leave.”
The problem wasn't always with what I said, even, but with the way I felt in my heart. Even if I was saying something nice, sometimes I was feeling bitter. I began to startle myself. This isn’t me. This isn’t who I
want to be. And then came the most shocking revelation: this isn’t who Jesus is either.
This thought hit me repeatedly in the last week, in
different circumstances: “I don’t think Jesus would like this.” “I don’t think
this is in the Bible.” “What would God even say about my attitude right now?” “Geez…when
was the last time I even really talked to Him.”
That last one was triggered when I was complaining to a
friend who I love dearly, but sadly don’t get to talk to very much. She asked a
question that frankly took me off guard: “have you had the chance to pray
regularly?” I was embarrassed because I realized that I really hadn’t. She
encouraged me, though, and said, “The great thing, though, is you can always
just jump back in.”
The thing is, though, that I’ve gotten lazy in my spiritual
life. I work at a very Christian business, so I’m surrounded every day by Bible
verses, sermons, and the option to go to chapel. I’ve told myself that I’m
getting a daily dose of verses simply because I have to look so many up as I
edit articles. Yet, this isn’t enough. I’ve lost sight of who Jesus is. I don’t
really know him. I don’t always know, as the 90’s kids would put it, “WWJD.”
So, I’m reading again. I’m praying. I took some quiet time
this morning, and for the first time in months, I felt peace in my chest. Now,
if I could just get enough sleep each night, I’d be doing really well…
But that’s a problem for a different time. Pass the coffee.
*It is important to note that Jesus was a rare wedding
guest—the type who does NOT want to put his two cents in. He was probably like,
“Maybe they WANT water at their wedding.” #notjudging
