The Good Liars

The hard thing about liars… good liars… is that you never really see the lies coming. Granted, no one can really cover up a lie forever. I believe that the Achilles heel of lies is the fact that at some point, the truth will come out.

But the worst part is that it’s generally the people closest to you who can cut you to pieces in just a single moment of, “Well actually, I never told you…but…” Because, the people who we pass in our everyday lives, our coworkers, our acquaintances, they don’t have the power to hurt us like our loved ones do. Even if they did lie to us, we either wouldn’t care, or would never find out.   

For the people called, dare I say, pathological liars, one lie leads to another, and another, until you’ve found out that the person you’ve trusted for so long has been telling you falsehoods over a long period of time. It might have started out easily enough. Perhaps this friend or relation just wanted to protect you from something he/she thought would hurt you. But then, the lie got a bit deeper… Eventually it’s too deep for even the liar to carry around.

And that is when the world comes crashing down.

“Who are you?”

“How have I not known these things about you for so long?”

“How could you have willingly deceived me?”

Crash.

The delicate glass foundation that you thought was made of faith, is actually made of lies, and there it is broken right in front of you. It just lays there, shattered and unable to be mended…

At least, for now…

But how the hell do you come back after that? What do you do? Do you just leave that person, never to return? Do you just choose to keep trusting them, picking yourself back up with each new revelation as lies reveal themselves over time?

I have no idea. With the revelation of each new lie, I find it hard to be glad of the newfound honesty. I just feel bled dry, each time the Band Aid is peeled off slowly—hurt again and again and again by what should have been said so long ago.

I deserve the truth.

Weird Questions People Ask Newlyweds

Question Number 1:

When Brentton and I got engaged, the question I heard the most was, “When are you going to have kids?”

This was a funny question to me, because we had only just gotten engaged—not married. Most of the questions came from my deeply religious friends too, who are proponents of only having children after marriage, so I found it amusing that they asked so early.

Since then, it’s slacked off a bit, but I still get it from time to time. A couple of mornings ago at a meeting, a coworker asked me if I had started thinking about kids yet. I tried to briefly answer and then wave away the question, but she continued with: “You know how that happens, right?” with a little gleam in her eye. I replied with the answer I’ve been waiting to use: “Actually, can you explain to me how that happens?”

Luckily for me, she found it hilarious. The others at the table squirmed a little though.

I don’t really mind the question much anymore, because even though children aren’t on the radar for my husband and myself, I’m a strong believer that if God wants something to happen, it’ll happen. I mean, the Bible is filled with you’re-totally-going-to-have-a-surprise-baby stories.

But what bothers me about the child questions is that most of the time, it come from well-meaning, almost-strangers. What if my husband and I are not able to have children? They would have no way of knowing this, and their questions would be painful. I have friends who have had horrible trouble conceiving, and not being able to have a child is the most painful thing in the world to them. Questions like that just rub more salt in the wound.

The other side of the coin is that having children is a deeply-personal thing. Now, I know that we live in a very sexually-liberated time, but I’m still squeamish at being asked about my… *clears throat awkwardly* …reproductive intentions. I mean,, when people ask about children, they’re thinking of cute kids with curls and blue eyes. But often when I hear the question, it just sounds more like, “So…are you and your husband…you know, doing it?” Speaking of which…that brings me to the next question…

Question Number 2:

Possibly more awkward than question number one, is the straight up question of… “So…how was it?” usually accompanied by a wink and a nudge. For some reason, people are extremely interested in a new couple’s sex life. I don’t mind discussing things with my close girlfriends when I feel like venturing information, but it’s just awkward to be asked that. It puts you on the spot, and you aren’t just discussing something about yourself, but about your partner as well. The privacy of two people is involved.

Question Number 3:

The frequency with which I receive this one is actually astonishing. People ask me one of two versions of this question:

1: “Don’t you ever feed your husband?”

2: “You feed him too much!” 

First of all…I don’t spoon-feed this guy. He’s a grown man and he operates the fork on his own. We eat normal meals every day and he eats until he’s full … like you know … a normal human. He makes his own choices about what he eats or doesn’t eat. I’m not in charge of that. There are some days when he’s hungrier than others, and some days when he’s not hungry at all. But no matter who is doing the cooking, he has the ultimate choice of what goes in his body.

Bonus Question:

“What do you do with your time?”

I’m not even going to pretend on this one. In our household there is a lot of cuddling, piggy-back rides (he’s tall, so it’s an experience), and just sitting and talking together. People always talk about how the first year of marriage is about getting to know your spouse, and it is. If you’ve always lived separately before you were married, it’s great fun to go to bed together every night and wake up together too. It’s nice to have someone to share meals with, especially if the last several years, you always ate alone.

We pretty much just spend our time together, and it’s wonderful. The evenings and weekends fly by because we’re just enjoying our togetherness. It might not sound very productive, and it probably isn’t, but it’s an investment in another person and a relationship, so it’s always worthwhile. 

Falling on Deaf Ears

I’m a listener.

I like to listen. I’m good at listening. So many of my relationships are based upon that fact. I have many people who pour out their day to me, their thoughts, their troubles, etc. I love that. I love being a safe space. Everything they tell me is in confidence and it’ll stay that way. I want to always be that for them, especially for my close friends.

But I feel like listening is a two-way act of mutual respect. And sometimes, the other person needs to talk too. Unfortunately, there aren’t many other listeners out there. Granted, I have amazing friends and family who DO listen. But, many times in general day-to-day life, I end up being run over in conversations. Many times when I try to change the conversation or pour out something that’s important to me, it gets ignored. The person I’m talking to plows through with his or her own thoughts and concerns, and leaves my words in the dust.

I shouldn’t have to be at my rope’s end to feel like someone is listening. I should be able to talk about everyday things. I should be able to explain why the change at my job has affected my life, my thoughts on a good vacation spot, my ideas about an upcoming event.

Today I went to a book discussion and I found myself amazed when the professor leading the discussion made eye contact with me, took in what I said, and then replied. She wasn’t just waiting for me to finish so that she could go on with something she had been waiting to say. She genuinely wanted to know my thoughts and hear what I had to say too. I was surprised by how much this took me by surprise.

Everyone has a deep need for communication. I’ve met so many very outgoing people who complain that their friends don’t reach out enough to them. I understand that, but these are the same people who when are reached out to, only reply in emojis. For anyone who’s a bit old fashioned, like myself, this isn’t enough to make someone want to reach out.

I realized that this rare trait of genuine and complete communication was what made me fall in love with my husband. In my wedding vows to him, I told him that he was the first person I ever met who I thought really listened to me. So many other people may have heard me, but he listened.

Every message I sent to him, he replied back to, touching on every point I made. He’s the best, most unselfish communicator I’ve ever met, and that was what I fell in love with. I just wish that more people understood the give and take of a conversation. 

Sometimes "Normal" is a Compliment

It’s funny to think of the little things that cement a relationship.

For example, I knew that Brentton was going to be my husband when we were on our first in-person date. We were in Toys R Us (yes, I know) in the Lego section and I started to sing, “Darkness…” and he finished with “No parents.” And as silly as that Lego Movie reference sounds, it really turned the tide for me.

Brentton said that he knew I was the one for him when we were still long-distance dating. During one of our instant-message type conversations, I told him that I could handle him. In the moment, I actually felt kind of silly saying it…but I knew I had to say it. It was almost as if I was being told to say it. To me, it didn’t mean all that much, but to Brentton, who had been told by countless ex-girlfriends that they couldn’t “handle” his emotions or “handle” his personality, being told “I can handle you,” was something he had never heard before.

In the same way, Brentton gave me a completely different kind of compliment one day when he told me that he liked me because I was “so normal.” That sort of stopped me in my tracks for a moment. I had never been called “normal” before. If you had asked me before that moment if the word “normal” was complimentary, I would have shrugged and said no. But, for some reason, when it first met my ears, I loved it.

I realized that I had always been considered a bit of a class clown by my non-theatre friends, and by my family, “a drama queen,” as my brother likes to call me. So many people had pointed out my differences, but no one had ever identified with me enough to call me “normal.”

I guess after you’ve spent your life feeling different from everyone, it’s nice to find someone who is just as different as you are, who finds those differences to be well…normal.

When you’re in these moments, they don’t always strike you as turning points, but later when you’ve had time to reflect, you realize that those are the moments that changed everything. Those are the moments where you’ll look back some day and realize it was your Donna Noble, “Turn Left” moment (a little nerdy reference for you Whovians out there).

They Don't Teach You Much in Marriage Class

They don’t teach you much in marriage class.

They poke and prod at your finances,

And ask if you’ve got all the right answers, I guess you’ll pass.

What they don’t tell you, could fill an entire book.

Like when it comes to sex,

If you’re inexperienced, will you even know where to look?

Okay, that was hyperbole,

But let’s be serious.

Everything changes, quickly.

It’s hard to explain why you’re busy all the time.

But you’ve made a new life for yourself and

You have another human to keep in mind.

Your apartment is tiny.

It’s not like the place you used to entertain.

Back then you didn’t even know the definition of tiny.

Your friends expect things to stay the same.

I guess you did too,

But it really is in vain.

Because things have changed.

It’s really for the better,

But your whole life is rearranged.

New place,

New man,

Cramped space.

But I need YOU as much as ever.

I’m still the girl who you’d call

To tell stories and whatever.

I still need you to ask me how I am at a long day’s end,

Because I still get lonely sometimes

And I really hope that you can remember an old friend.

My Ghost

My Ghost

By Abigail Shaffer

I am pursued

By the ghost

Of a man who never died.

His voice I hear

In my dreams—

He calls.

His face I’ve known

Since I was old enough

To draw.

Once I was told to choose

Between him,

And reality.

But I bet you will

Never guess

What I chose. 

Building Castles

Building Castles

By Abigail Shaffer

She despises him, because she once loved him so much.

She hates, because it’s the other half of love.

He’s spent his time arguing with a man in the sky,

Swearing loudly that he does not exist.

In the meantime, she’s been busy building her world,

Putting into practice the dreams they started together.

But it doesn’t matter to him. He’ll begin anew.

He takes another draft

of comfort and says he’ll try again tomorrow.

But it’s too late.

The years fly by and his time is half over.

What will become of a man who shakes his fists at the sky,

And hides away his talents from the wind?

It's 2017. How Does Sexism Still Exist?

How does sexism still exist? When as a woman, will I feel like I am completely of value to people?

A few months ago, before Brentton and I married, we were trying to find someone to give us pre-marital counseling (usually required by the person who officiates) and to marry us. We went to this one guy, and I just left with a sick feeling in my stomach. The man had not only pitted Brentton and I against each other with his questions, but he paid me almost zero attention the whole time. And once we told him we don’t have any plans for children right now, he shut down towards me completely, as if I was solely to be blamed for that decision.

Brentton and I walked out fighting, and we both realized that this man had done more harm than good. I don’t think a counselor is supposed to START fights. I know sometimes that information they dig up and be the source of some contention, but the way he did it was downright malicious.

Then, there was last night. We went to a financial planner who had been recommended to us. All week I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I thought about it. This, in the past, has ALWAYS meant, “GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!” yet, I don’t think I’ve ever listened to it once. Lol I felt like it would be good to get the opinion of a professional, on our finances as we are starting out.

Well. This woman had no interest in me. At all. She shook hands with me when we walked in, and then turned to Brentton and said, in a long, drawing voice, “Hellllloooooooo!”

I’m a girl. I know flirting when I see it.

Anyway, we sat down with her for two hours and talked about jobs and money and 401Ks. And I mean, sometimes she looked in my direction and asked me what she had to, but for the most part, she just talked to Brentton. When she asked him about his job, she asked him dozens of questions. So many, that I thought we would never move on. When she got to me, she asked where I worked…and then it was back to Brentton. That was it.

She even asked us questions that I felt would be better directed towards a single person, than a married couple. She kept asking questions that not only pitted us against each other, but that made it sound like our financial life together was a contest. The questions were things like, “Which of you is better at saving.” I mean, no matter what, someone comes out as the “winner” here. In our relationship we are VERY similar in how we deal with money, it’s one of the best things about our partnership. Yet, here we were, feeling like we were in a contest against each other.

By the end of the night, I was so angry. I had been slighted before by men, and treaded like I was a second-rate human. I’ve even been treated as the little home-maker, housewife before…but I have never been so treated by another woman. How can a woman treat another woman so badly? Has feminism taught her nothing? Does she honestly believe men are superior to women, with her, being a woman herself?

Sure, she could just be an absolute (fill-in-the-blank), and was openly flirting with my husband right in front of me, but I got the definite feeling that there was more to it than that. She didn’t think my contribution to the family was worth it. She didn’t care about my benefits or my income, or how this would affect me. She just cared about the man sitting there. As the woman, I was an afterthought.

P.S. If all you took from this was that we don’t want children, then YOU are part of the problem. 

If You Lived in a Jane Austen Book

If you lived in a Jane Austen book:

You would probably have lots of sisters.

You would be proposed to by your cousin (apparently not too gross back then), although you are not his first choice.

Either your mother, or your father would have a “complaint of the nerves” or a “delicate constitution” which will dictate everything in your life.

You should not trust the first handsome man you meet. Wait for the second.

If you’re over the age of about 27, you’re an “old maid,” and are obviously too old to find love. You must keep house for your widowed father now.

You will meet a dashing man in the militia, who you will think is the noblest man you will ever meet, however, he will undoubtedly turn out to be a complete scoundrel.

If a man is detestable to you early on, either because of his advanced age, or his sense of pride—hold out. He’s about to get really sexy.

Although your family might be considered middle class, or even poor, because your father is not a gentleman, you will still have servants and a house with a name that includes the word “manor” or “estate.”

Your younger sister will run off to live with an absolute scoundrel who used to be in love with you. He will ruin her reputation, soiling forever the good name of your entire family.

As the old adage goes, if he’s making fun of you, it’s because he likes you. In the same way, if he believes you are “not handsome enough to tempt” him, it’s because you’re TOTALLY handsome enough to tempt him.

Escaping Alice's Wonderland

This time of year, in the cold of winter, the cobblestone streets of downtown Annapolis might make you think you’ve stepped into a Charles Dickens’ story. There is something about the charm of the old town that whisks you into another world.

Another such world is Mission Escape, located at 40 West St. Annapolis (missionescaperooms.com/annapolis). As an avid escape room fan, I was ecstatic to be offered the opportunity to test out their newest room. I was even more thrilled when I found out that the room I would be trying to escape from was modeled after one of my favorite childhood classics: Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carrol.

As an avid reader and writer, I appreciate the literary themes in the lobby, which includes many subtle nods to different classic novels. The walls are covered in old books, there is a hall of mirrors, a gorgeous copy of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland sits on a side table, and gracing the hallway is a hilarious cutout of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.

The Alice in Wonderland room is like stepping into the story itself. At first, when you enter, you are awed by the beauty of it. Green grass, shrubbery, and crawling ivy are everywhere. The large, gorgeous roses are reminiscent of the Queen’s croquet lawn from the book, giving the whole room the feeling of being outdoors. And of course, the whole place is utterly filled with pieces from the book, from paper machete characters up on the walls, to the Cheshire Cat’s hookah, and many other elements that would be too much of a spoiler to tell.

As for the gameplay, I can describe it in one word: challenging. The entire room is based upon observation. If you take a moment to walk through the room and just look at everything first, it will help you understand how all the clues fit together as you go along. All of the clues require critical thinking, but everything you need to succeed is right there at your fingertips. However, if you need a little extra help, they offer unlimited hints. At the push of a button, you can talk to someone who will give you just a little nudge in the right direction.

What if Alice in Wonderland really isn’t your thing? Well then, you’re in luck, because they offer three other amazing rooms, with a wide variety of themes from the Military room, to the Black and White room, and then to the one I’m going to try next: the Edgar Allan Poe room.

So the big question is: Did we escape?

No. Sadly we did not. Thankfully, however, one of the employees stepped in after our time ran out and showed us that we were only one clue away from escaping. I’ve only ever done escape rooms with my husband, and I’m pretty sure that if we did them with more people, that we’d escape faster. The Alice in Wonderland room allows for up to 7 people, so feel free to bring some friends!

So over all, do I recommend the Alice room? I do, 100%. I think you’ll find it thrilling, challenging, and breathtakingly beautiful. Have fun!