Monday, November 25, 2013

Cope

Google the definition of the word “cope,” and this is what you get:

It means to just deal. To just get up every day and go through the motions until you are no longer aware that you have to consciously make yourself do these things.

I really like that word, and I think it’s a perfect word to express how so many people live their day-to-day lives. We’re all asked, “How are you today?” And we almost always say “I’m alright,” or “I’m doing well.” Few of us are fully honest. I have one friend who usually answers, “Well I’m alive. And that is good.”

Yes it is good.

I think in a way, her answer is probably one of the most honest. Because sometimes, we are just alive. We are just coping. And that’s perfectly alright. 

Friday, November 22, 2013

Lies...Lies of the Devil.

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re just not good enough? That maybe you’re too damaged to ever be loved by anyone?

Lies. Lies of the Devil.

I feel that way, especially lately. In a culture that’s so centered around male/female love and sex, there is so much pressure to find “the one,” and to get married so that you can finally obtain that “true love,” that all the movies are talking about.


I've bitten the apple and swallowed the belief myself. I fight against it because my inner feminist won’t take that lying down, but it’s still there all the same.

I went through two bad relationships this year. One you all know about because I talked about him a lot earlier in the year. Well, I got over than and forgave him. The second was in some ways worse than the first because he led me on, and then started seeing another girl while he was still with me, seeing me...kissing me. Yeah. On top of that, when we were dating, he didn't tell anyone about me. It was as if he was ashamed of me, hiding me away from the world.

I got used. I got played. Being hidden away like that, and then cheated on made me feel as if I was useless, unloved, worthless.

But that can’t be right…right?

Right.

Why is it that I can’t seem to find my worth in God, where I’m supposed to find it? Often, I think that’s because I feel as if I’m not good enough for Him either. And let’s face it. I’m not. No one is. But see, that’s the thing. God loves me regardless of the stupid stuff I do. He loves me in my anger, in my hurt, in my sin, in my bitterness. And let me tell you, that’s more unconditional love than I’m ever going to get from any guy.

And no, this isn't one of those “I’m never dating again,” posts, because as friends have said in describing me before, “She really likes boys.” Yeah. I’m not done by a long shot. I’ll keep dating and maybe someday I’ll find somebody good.

But in the meantime, I’m going to keep getting up in the morning, I’m going to keep going to work. I’m going to keep being happy (because that’s a choice), and I’m going to keep putting my desires, needs, and sense of self-worth back in God’s hands, even if I have to place them there every freaken day. Because that is where that belongs.

No one is too broken or messed up for God to fix. And you know what? He’s not finished with me yet.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

"They Can't Take That Away From Me"

Back when I first began ballet, we did a recital piece to the song “They Can’t Take That Away From Me.” I think that Frank Sinatra sang the version that we used. It has lyrics that have always sort of echoed in the back of my mind since I was 12, but I never really thought about them before.

This morning, for some reason, the lyrics came to mind again. The song goes:

We may never, never meet again
On that bumpy road to love
Still I'll always,
Always keep the memory of...

The way you hold your knife.
The way we danced until three.
The way you've changed my life.
No, no - they can't take that away from me.
No, they can't take that away from me.

Recently, for the first time this year, I've been able to think about my lost love without pain. And it’s been such a relief. In doing so, I realize that there are a lot of things about my almost-forever romance that I’m never going to forget. And in a way, it’s almost nice to think back and remember how I had it *“good and perfect for a little while.”

And even if I never feel that way again, it was nice to know that it happened once.



*Name the movie this quote is from, and you get all sorts of brownie points!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

A Visit from Nations - A Scene from My Novel

This is a small section from my upcoming novel, "The Day Nations Cried."

This scene is a flashback to the past when my main character, Caillet, was young. She is in training to be a "Soul Bearer" (a person born with the special gift of being able to draw people's soul mates for them). Marjory, her aunt, is raising her, but Nations, The Guardian of the Soul Bearers doesn't approve of how she is teaching Caillet.

Note: Caillet is pronounced "Kah-lay."

~

“You have a special gift, Caillet.” Marjory whispered into the ear of the eight-year-old girl in her lap as they sat together in a rocking chair. Caillet shook her unruly curls and looked up at the speaker. “Aunt Margi,” she said, in a childish attempt to whisper that was anything but quiet, “I’m a Soul Bearer!”

“Yes, dear, just like I’ve always told you. You have a special ability.”

Despite her age, Caillet was petite and small, allowing her to still be held and coddled. Caillet rocked her body back and forth on her aunt’s lap, trying to get the rocking motion of the chair started again. Taking the hint, Marjory began to tip the chair back and forth with her foot, gently.

“I will be able to draw,” Caillet said, in another failed attempt at a whisper.

“Of course, dear. Soon you will be able to draw so many faces, each one with a personality and a name to match. You will be able to give them to people, and then those people will go out into the world and find their soul mate.”

“Aunt Margi, what is a soul mate?”

“A soul mate is someone who a person is meant to be with forever and ever. A soul mate is someone you love.”

“Are you my soul mate?” Caillet asked, looking up again into her aunt’s face. “I love you.”

Marjory’s face tightened for a moment, and then released the micro expression. “No dear. That isn’t how it works. Soul Bearers will never have soul mates.”

“Never have soul mates,” Caillet repeated back as she fidgeted with the lace on the hem of her nightgown. “Never have soul mates,” she repeated again. “Aunt Marji, can I go play outside?”

“May I go play outside,” Marjory corrected.

“May I go play outside?” Caillet repeated.

“No dear. It’s dark out and nearly time for bed.” Carefully, Marjory arose, lifting the little girl in her arms, and carried her to the little canopy bed against the wall. Caillet went willingly and without a fuss, allowing her aunt to tuck her in under the covers.

Turning out the lights, Marjory looked back towards where the little girl lay drowsily under a heap of downy covers, her tiny little face illuminated only by the light from the unicorn nightlight.

Closing the door quietly behind her, she stepped out of the room.

“You lied to her.”

Marjory jumped, partially because she was frightened by the sudden intrusion of the deep, hushed voice, and partially because she recognized it.

“Nation!” she whispered as she tried to calm her furiously beating heart. “I do wish you would stop sneaking around like this! How do you get in, anyway? The doors are all locked!”

“Now Marjory, you know I don’t need doors.”

“What do you want with me anyway? You said I’d be able to raise her how I wished.”

“I said I’d allow you to raise her as a Soul Bearer,” Nations replied as he followed Marjory down the dark hallway, leisurely walking behind her quick, purposeful gait. “You know that I intend to stop in from time to time, to make sure that you are…well…bringing her up right.”

“Just because you have spent your life, or lives, or however it is you measure time and existence,” Marjory cut her eyes towards Nations who was now standing beside her in the dim light of the parlor, “teaching young Soul Bearers the way of the trade, doesn’t mean you have to come barging in here to check up on me.”

“Actually, it does,” Nations replied, taking a seat near the fireplace. He picked up the iron poker and began to stir up the dead embers, rekindling a small flame. The room grew a little brighter.

Marjory huffed and said sarcastically, “Take a seat, why don’t you.”

“Thank you, but I already have,” Nations replied, ignoring her sarcasm. “I do apologize for barging in on you like this, especially at this time of the night, but I couldn’t help but notice that you aren’t telling your daughter the full story.”

“She too young to know everything.”

“No she isn’t. When you were her age, you knew everything about being a Soul Bearer. You were a most promising pupil.”

Marjory smiled wryly to herself, unsure whether to be pleased with the compliment or not. “But this is different. Caillet is delicate and much too young for her age. I simply can’t tell her everything yet.”

“You told her she will never have a soul mate, but you, of all people, know that this isn’t true.”
Marjory stood tall and dark, like a shadow in the corner. Nations sat illuminated by the golden glow of the firelight.

“I told her what I knew she could handle right now,” Marjory replied.

“But you know that isn’t true. Caillet is smart enough and old enough to handle the truth. What you told her is a lie. I need you to tell her that Soul Bearers will meet their soul mates, but that the difference between her and all the other mortals is that she must never fall in love with her own. She must know the consequences.”

Marjory stared at Nations, her eyes boring into his, yet, he didn’t flinch. He could not be intimidated.

Nations continued, “I don’t want to lose another Soul Bearer, or have another ‘incident.’”

Marjory cringed at the word “incident.” “Please, Nations. Don’t taunt me. You know that is all over.”

Nation’s manner softened a bit. “I did not come here to taunt you. I came here in the role of the Guardian. Despite how you feel, ultimately Caillet’s wellbeing is my concern. Marjory, we lost so many Soul Bearers in the incident. I won’t lose another one. I won’t have her found out and ousted. I won’t have another innocent life snuffed out. Remember. Even I don’t make the rules. There is always someone greater.”

Marjory choked back a sob and refused to let even a single tear roll down her face. “I understand, Sir.”

“Good. Then I’ll be on my way. Good night.”

Marjory had closed her eyes for a moment, trying to keep back a tear. When she had opened, Nations was gone. The fire had gone out, and she was alone in the darkness.

Monday, November 11, 2013

What More Could You Want?

Today I am reminded of something that God said to me about a year ago. I had been having a semi-bad day, you know the kind: cold, wet, dreary, and full of homework and homesickness. That was when I stepped down off of the sidewalk, on my way to my car, and God spoke. His voice was clear as He spoke to my mind and said, “You are well and you are loved. What more could you want?”

Sometimes I think about that, and I check on both of those elements: Am I well? Yes. Am I loved? Yes.

But that second question is hard to answer sometimes. At first when God told me this, I thought He was referring to human love, you know, the wavering, imperfect kind. And at times, I felt doubtful about whether or not I was loved. I mean, yeah, I’m loved by my family. I’m loved by my true, dear friends. But at the same time, even that kind of love isn't flawless. No. I felt sure that God meant a deeper kind of love.

And He did.

He was talking about His love. And regardless of the love of others, regardless of whether or not I am well and in good physical health, His love always remains. I need not rely on the love of anyone else. I don’t need to keep measuring my worth based upon who likes me this week and who doesn't.

God loves me, and I am living my life for Him, no one else. And in the end that is all that matters.

He’s right. I am well and I am loved. What more could I want?

Thursday, November 7, 2013

He Was Busy Being Awesome...


Today was a bad day.

But I’m reminded of the Tim McGraw song “Find out Who Your Friends Are,” that says,

“You find out who your friends are.
 Somebody's gonna drop everything.
 Run out and crank up their car,
 Hit the gas, get there fast,
 Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far,'
 They just show on up with their big old heart.
 You find out who your friends are.”

Sometimes in life you have those moments where you find out who is really there for you, and tonight was one of those nights. A friend came and picked me up after work and took me out to dinner. While I was busy being sad, God was busy being awesome. Tonight he showed me His hand in so many ways.

First of all, He was teaching me some things about friendship.

Secondly, my friend and I were having dinner, you know, just talking about God and the Bible, when the couple behind us PAID for our food because we were “being a witness for Jesus.” How cool is that? Thanks, God. I for one needed that blessing tonight.

Thirdly, on the way home, sitting at a stoplight, two very awesome friends of mine, who I haven’t seen in a while, were in the car next to us. Just seeing them again was a wonderful event.

And fourthly, my Great Grandmother called me. How many people my age can say that? She’s amazing. I hope I’m just like her when I am older.

So, I know that I wrote about this a long time ago, but despite the fact that 2013 has been the worst year of my life thus far, I have never lost my joy—the joy that I have through Christ. God is so good.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Liiiightbulllllb...

I’m the type of person who has high expectations when it comes to the people in my life. I tend to expect a lot from my family as well as my close friends. I always remember being taught the Golden Rule: “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31 NIV). Somewhere along the line that came to mean to me that if you did good things towards other people, those people would return the favor.

Liiiightbulllllb.

Read that again: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” It doesn't say, “Do good to others so that they will do good to you.” Yet, that was what I had taken it to mean. What it means is that we should treat other people as we would want to be treated, even if they NEVER treat us well in return.

Okay, so some of you are saying, “Well duh…” But give me a break. I'm just now figuring this out. 

Anyway, I've lived my life expecting that if I wanted someone to like me, if I wanted to receive good things from people, that I should do good things to them. Well, I got it half right. As Christians, heck, as human beings, we should always treat our fellow man with respect, love, and kindness. But, that doesn't mean that those people will treat us well in return.

Recently I've come to realize that when I do good things for others, I need to stop expecting to be thanked, or to be invited over to dinner in return. I need to stop expecting that good things will always come back to me.

And lastly, there is a fine line between doing good things for people because it’s the right thing to do, and getting walked over. Even for Christians, there comes a time when we need to stop bending over backwards for people who just simply don’t appreciate our efforts. The Bible even has something to say about this, in Matthew 7:6 where Jesus says not to “cast your pearls before swine.” Even Jesus wants us to be wise with our gifts and to whom we bestow our treasures. It’s not a matter of being unkind towards people. It’s a matter of being wise with our gifts and blessings.

PS: I hope you read the title of this post in the voice of Gru from Dispicable Me. That is all.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Things That Are Good for the Soul

God and His Word
Josh Groban
Classical Music
Ballet
Dancing in general
A good book
A good cry
The sky
Fields
Lakes, streams, rivers
The ocean
Catharsis after a play
Being ON stage
Singing
Praying
Talking with a best friend
Talking with Mom
Writing
Journaling
C. S. Lewis
Being alone