I found this old autograph book once. I paid three dollars for it at a quirky little shop full of odds and ends. Something made me want to buy it. The front page is peeling, and the paper is brown and crumbling with age, but I bought it anyway. I took it home and I felt like I was holding a part of someone else’s life in my hands. Inside are well-wishes from many people. Barbara and Pete wish the happy couple many more years of bliss together on their twenty-fifth anniversary. Page after page is filled with scrawly, hand writing, celebrating the unknown couple’s many years together. I envy John and Jane Doe for what they had. I used to think that I was going to be single all of my life, and I was okay with that. Then I met this boy. He made me feel special. When he held my hand the first time, I felt that I was suddenly complete. I hadn’t realized that I had been incomplete until that moment. After that, I knew that I would never again be happy alone, or with just some guy that I barely knew, on a random date here and there. That had been my life before. I thought it was all I needed. I was wrong. I found out that there could be so much more in my life.
Needless to say, I fell in love. We made plans. We talked about marriage as if it was for sure. However, if there is one thing in life that is certain, it is that nothing is for sure. We had problems, big problems. Eventually, these big problems became insurmountable problems. I woke up every morning feeling alone and neglected. I was sad. I no longer trusted the boy that I loved and it broke my heart to know that my perfect love was not so perfect anymore. When I could no longer stand my own tears, the loneliness, and the fact that there was nothing holding up our relationship anymore, I ended things. That was the singularly most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. It was tougher than the time I had the change the tire. At least that time, dad came to my rescue. Dad can’t help this time. It was tougher than the time I wrote two ten-page exam essays in three hours. At least at that time, I had so much knowledge behind me that I was confident in what I was doing. This time, I was not confident. I was making my decision with my knowledge and his track record, while my heart was trying to decided which way would cause it less pain. I don’t like my decision. I’ve cried and screamed out-loud today so many times that my eyes have gone dry. I’ve cried out his name in hopes that in some cosmic miracle he’ll hear me, and he’ll call, so that maybe, just maybe, we can set things right somehow. Even so, I’m afraid to talk to him. I don’t want to hear his tears anymore, because they hurt more than my own.
What is wrong with this world? I always believed that when two people are in love, they’re supposed to be together. What is wrong with me? Is protecting myself more important than love? Is love more important than trust? I honestly don’t have the answers to those questions right now. My head is saying, “You can’t build a relationship without trust,” but my heart is saying, “Please! I beg of you! Fix this before it’s too late! I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT HIM!” So, I cry, and I scream,and my mind tries to tell my heart that trust is vital to a relationship...but my heart doesn’t listen. It’s crying and screaming too loudly to hear. I wish it would listen... Poor heart...it didn’t know that making a decision that is supposed to protect it, would hurt it more than it ever hurt before. Maybe it’s like those shots you get as a child. It hurts now, but it’s going to protect you in the future. My heart won’t believe this. It just keeps crying out his name...begging me like a little child, to have him back. Oh heart...I want that too...
So please, if YOU are reading this, and you’ve made it this far, consider doing something for me. If you love me, if you really love me, don’t let this happen. I think I’m like a lot of girls when they say, “it’s over.” Sometimes, we just want you to come after us. Sometimes, as girls, we just want to be rescued. We cry so loudly, and slam doors in your faces because we just want you to show us how much you love us by knocking one more time.
When we last talked, I told you that the ball was in your court now. All this time you’ve been saying that it was my choice, that it was up to me. I’m tired of it always being up to me. I think that’s part of what killed our relationship. I don’t want to always be in charge, always calling the shots. If this was the only way to wake you up and to let you see that I want YOU to do some of the work too, then fine. Here it is. It’s your turn. I’ve been carrying the weight of this decision ever since we last had a problem. Now it’s your turn. I’ve done all I can with what you’ve given me. I asked you to write down how you thought you were going to make things better. Well, you never did that. I asked for one small, simple thing, and you couldn’t even do that. Maybe you didn’t think it was worth it, that I was worth it. So here, I present it to you again, rather, I beg you again: please, don’t give up. I had to end things because I didn’t know how to fix them. I’ve got things to work on within myself, and so do you. Please, consider this as a “break” when we each take time to better ourselves as individuals. In the meantime, I don’t know how you can do it, but please, try to win me back. I love you, and I want to be with you. I want to be with you more than anything, but I can’t be with someone that I don’t trust. Do something, anything, to make that better. I’ve done all I can. It’s up to you now. If you accept my challenge, I’ll be waiting to somehow find out about it, even though I know it may take some time. If you do not, I will know that you never loved me as I thought you did, and I will know that as painful as it is, I made the right decision in ending our relationship. For the first time in my life...I’m wishing to be proven wrong. Please, prove me wrong.
