My Outspoken Feminist Post

Dear ladies,

If I hear the phrase “ring by spring,” one more time, someone is going to get hurt. Don’t you remember back when women didn’t have the opportunity to go to college, or at least, not the same colleges as the men attended?

No? Well, it happened.

In the past, a lot of women were denied higher education simply because of their gender, because they were expected to marry, stay at home, and raise children. There is nothing wrong with this at all, in fact, I think being a stay-at-home mom is awesome. But…what about education? What about bettering yourself and your mind?

Well, these women, our not-so-far-back ancestors, fought and pushed so that we can now go to college and have a real career. It’s not about “keeping up with the men.” What it is about is using the brains that God gave us and having a chance to think for ourselves.

So, if you’re only going to college to get your MRS. then I’m really sorry for you. Not only are you scoffing in the faces of the women who fought hard to have a chance at a higher education, but you are also missing out on a really amazing opportunity.

So go, finish your education. If you happen to meet Mr. Right in the process, that is fantastic. But please, don’t let that be your reason for attending college.

Sincerely,

A College Graduate

Lies...Lies of the Devil.

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re just not good enough? That maybe you’re too damaged to ever be loved by anyone?

Lies. Lies of the Devil.

I feel that way, especially lately. In a culture that’s so centered around male/female love and sex, there is so much pressure to find “the one,” and to get married so that you can finally obtain that “true love,” that all the movies are talking about.

I've bitten the apple and swallowed the belief myself. I fight against it because my inner feminist won’t take that lying down, but it’s still there all the same.

I went through two bad relationships this year. One you all know about because I talked about him a lot earlier in the year. Well, I got over than and forgave him. The second was in some ways worse than the first because he led me on, and then started seeing another girl while he was still with me, seeing me...kissing me. Yeah. On top of that, when we were dating, he didn't tell anyone about me. It was as if he was ashamed of me, hiding me away from the world.

I got used. I got played. Being hidden away like that, and then cheated on made me feel as if I was useless, unloved, worthless.

But that can’t be right…right?

Right.

Why is it that I can’t seem to find my worth in God, where I’m supposed to find it? Often, I think that’s because I feel as if I’m not good enough for Him either. And let’s face it. I’m not. No one is. But see, that’s the thing. God loves me regardless of the stupid stuff I do. He loves me in my anger, in my hurt, in my sin, in my bitterness. And let me tell you, that’s more unconditional love than I’m ever going to get from any guy.

And no, this isn't one of those “I’m never dating again,” posts, because as friends have said in describing me before, “She really likes boys.” Yeah. I’m not done by a long shot. I’ll keep dating and maybe someday I’ll find somebody good.

But in the meantime, I’m going to keep getting up in the morning, I’m going to keep going to work. I’m going to keep being happy (because that’s a choice), and I’m going to keep putting my desires, needs, and sense of self-worth back in God’s hands, even if I have to place them there every freaken day. Because that is where that belongs.

No one is too broken or messed up for God to fix. And you know what? He’s not finished with me yet.

Tennyson and I

This week I read what is perhaps the most beautiful, most sorrowful, and most despairing poem that I think was ever written. It was In Memoriam A. H. H. by Alfred, Lord Tennyson. He wrote the poem after the death of his best friend, Arthur. It took him sixteen years to write the entire work. It's amazing to think that any person would mourn so thoroughly for a friend for so long. It is clear that even to the last words of the poem, written so many years after Arthur's death, that Tennyson still felt the loss of his friend very deeply. He wrote how he would approach Arthur's old house, and would wait outside the door, just wishing that Arthur would open it and grasp his hand in a friendly handshake, just as he had in the past. He wrote:

“Dark house, by which once more I stand

Here in the long unlovely street,

Doors, where my heart was used to beat

So quickly, waiting for a hand,

A hand that can be clasp'd no more.”

It's enough to make any heart break. Perhaps we all know what it means to lose someone so close to us, whether it be in death, or in separation. Tennyson longed for the touch of a hand that he knew he would never more feel. In the same way, I long for the embrace of arms that once encircled me with warmth and love. I fear I will never again feel that way. Sometimes at night, I lay in bed and wonder. I wonder if he, wherever he may be at the moment, feels the same way I do. Our separation was not one either of us wished, but rather something that had to be done at the time. I pray it will not be forever, but I hope he feels the same way. So much insecurity fills my mind, yet so much love still fills my heart. Voices around me tell me, “It will get better, I promise,” “You are young, you can move on,” yet, none of them are reassuring at the moment. Someday in the future, I'm sure I will look back on this moment and smile, thinking of how everything worked out in the end. Things do work out in the end, don't they? This is what we've been taught all along. Cinderella marries the prince, Lassie always comes home, Lucy and Ricky make up, even Cory and Topanga get back together in the end of season 5. Yet, how can I, who is stuck in this slow-moving wheel of time, push the hands of the clock forward and get through this day to day misery? I open my eyes in the morning, and my heart cries out with pain, because it remembers that it is alone, and uncared for. I sit up, and get out of bed. I go through the day as if nothing is wrong, but sighs and small cries of pain reveal how I really feel inside. Does he still love me? Does he still want to win me back? All I can say is that I hope so. All I have is hope...and love. Well, it's a start at least, right?

The Autograph Book

I found this old autograph book once. I paid three dollars for it at a quirky little shop full of odds and ends. Something made me want to buy it. The front page is peeling, and the paper is brown and crumbling with age, but I bought it anyway. I took it home and I felt like I was holding a part of someone else’s life in my hands. Inside are well-wishes from many people. Barbara and Pete wish the happy couple many more years of bliss together on their twenty-fifth anniversary. Page after page is filled with scrawly, hand writing, celebrating the unknown couple’s many years together. I envy John and Jane Doe for what they had. I used to think that I was going to be single all of my life, and I was okay with that. Then I met this boy. He made me feel special. When he held my hand the first time, I felt that I was suddenly complete. I hadn’t realized that I had been incomplete until that moment. After that, I knew that I would never again be happy alone, or with just some guy that I barely knew, on a random date here and there. That had been my life before. I thought it was all I needed. I was wrong. I found out that there could be so much more in my life.

Needless to say, I fell in love. We made plans. We talked about marriage as if it was for sure. However, if there is one thing in life that is certain, it is that nothing is for sure. We had problems, big problems. Eventually, these big problems became insurmountable problems. I woke up every morning feeling alone and neglected. I was sad. I no longer trusted the boy that I loved and it broke my heart to know that my perfect love was not so perfect anymore. When I could no longer stand my own tears, the loneliness, and the fact that there was nothing holding up our relationship anymore, I ended things. That was the singularly most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. It was tougher than the time I had the change the tire. At least that time, dad came to my rescue. Dad can’t help this time. It was tougher than the time I wrote two ten-page exam essays in three hours. At least at that time, I had so much knowledge behind me that I was confident in what I was doing. This time, I was not confident. I was making my decision with my knowledge and his track record, while my heart was trying to decided which way would cause it less pain. I don’t like my decision. I’ve cried and screamed out-loud today so many times that my eyes have gone dry. I’ve cried out his name in hopes that in some cosmic miracle he’ll hear me, and he’ll call, so that maybe, just maybe, we can set things right somehow. Even so, I’m afraid to talk to him. I don’t want to hear his tears anymore, because they hurt more than my own.

What is wrong with this world? I always believed that when two people are in love, they’re supposed to be together. What is wrong with me? Is protecting myself more important than love? Is love more important than trust? I honestly don’t have the answers to those questions right now. My head is saying, “You can’t build a relationship without trust,” but my heart is saying, “Please! I beg of you! Fix this before it’s too late! I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT HIM!” So, I cry, and I scream,and my mind tries to tell my heart that trust is vital to a relationship...but my heart doesn’t listen. It’s crying and screaming too loudly to hear. I wish it would listen... Poor heart...it didn’t know that making a decision that is supposed to protect it, would hurt it more than it ever hurt before. Maybe it’s like those shots you get as a child. It hurts now, but it’s going to protect you in the future. My heart won’t believe this. It just keeps crying out his name...begging me like a little child, to have him back. Oh heart...I want that too...

So please, if YOU are reading this, and you’ve made it this far, consider doing something for me. If you love me, if you really love me, don’t let this happen. I think I’m like a lot of girls when they say, “it’s over.” Sometimes, we just want you to come after us. Sometimes, as girls, we just want to be rescued. We cry so loudly, and slam doors in your faces because we just want you to show us how much you love us by knocking one more time.

When we last talked, I told you that the ball was in your court now. All this time you’ve been saying that it was my choice, that it was up to me. I’m tired of it always being up to me. I think that’s part of what killed our relationship. I don’t want to always be in charge, always calling the shots. If this was the only way to wake you up and to let you see that I want YOU to do some of the work too, then fine. Here it is. It’s your turn. I’ve been carrying the weight of this decision ever since we last had a problem. Now it’s your turn. I’ve done all I can with what you’ve given me. I asked you to write down how you thought you were going to make things better. Well, you never did that. I asked for one small, simple thing, and you couldn’t even do that. Maybe you didn’t think it was worth it, that I was worth it. So here, I present it to you again, rather, I beg you again: please, don’t give up. I had to end things because I didn’t know how to fix them. I’ve got things to work on within myself, and so do you. Please, consider this as a “break” when we each take time to better ourselves as individuals. In the meantime, I don’t know how you can do it, but please, try to win me back. I love you, and I want to be with you. I want to be with you more than anything, but I can’t be with someone that I don’t trust. Do something, anything, to make that better. I’ve done all I can. It’s up to you now. If you accept my challenge, I’ll be waiting to somehow find out about it, even though I know it may take some time. If you do not, I will know that you never loved me as I thought you did, and I will know that as painful as it is, I made the right decision in ending our relationship. For the first time in my life...I’m wishing to be proven wrong. Please, prove me wrong.

But the Greatest of These is Love

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails…….13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthans 4-13


So, love conqures all, huh? I sure hope so, because sometimes, that’s all we’ve got. I’m not going to get all philosophical on you, but I’ve been going through some rough stuff very recently, and even though my faith and trust have been challenged, I’ve realized that regardless of what happens, love remains.

Sometimes we all need reminders of what is really important in life. I’ve had constant reminders over the past few days, and have been carrying one around with me, in my pocket. It is a little green, sea glass stone with the word, “Faith” etched inside of it. As I walk, I can feel the weight of it in my pocket, and I smile as I think of the friend who gave it to me as a graduation present, but also for what it stands for.

I appreciate all of the wonderful people who have taken their time to talk to me over the past few days. I truly am a blessed person to have so many wonderful friends and family members. So thank you. I shall try to make this my last depressing blog for awhile. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining to the cloud, the icing on the cake, the cream in the cookie, and all of those other clichés!

I hope that you are reading this today, and I know that if you are, you will know what I mean. Even though we might not hear from each other for awhile, I’m still here, and I’ve placed all of this in God’ s hands. This too shall pass. Keep the faith. I love you.

I'm Nobody's Princess

Quid est amor sine fiduciam?


What is love without trust? Is it possible? Does it exist? Whenever I think about the themes of love and trust, I always think about my favorite movie, Everafter. In the movie, the heroine, Danielle, is a peasant girl who dresses up like a courtier to save her family’s servant who has been sold into slavery. While she is dressed as such, the prince of France sees her, hears her plea to free the servant, and falls in love with her…typical chick flick. Girls, you know we love this stuff. Prince Henry thinks he has found his match, and Danielle keeps up the charade by taking on her mother’s name, Nicole, and continues to play the part of a courtier. She has the prince fooled, and wants to tell him the truth, but is afraid. Her evil step mother (yes, this is a Cinderella story) discovers her deception and exposes her lie to the entire royal court, including the heartbroken prince who disowns her on the spot. After she runs away (leaving, of course, the glass slipper), the prince is confronted by a wise old man, who just happens to be Leonardo Da Vinci. Da Vinci tells him to go after her because she is his “match.” The prince looks up at the old man and says, “And love without trust, what of that?” He cannot trust her. She has deceived him. All of the millions of times that I’ve watched that movie, I felt sorry for Danielle for being rejected like that, but this time around, now that I know what it feels like to be lied to by someone you love and trust so dearly, I feel for Prince Henry. It’s a horrible thing to have believed in someone so deeply, placed all of your faith in that person, and then find out that he or she has been lying to you all along, masking a deception. It is the stuff broken hearts are made of.

So, once you’ve discovered the lie, how do you deal with it? Can you forgive and go on loving? Or, do you take this as a warning and protect yourself from future heartache? I don’t really know, to be honest. The good news is, I’ve stopped crying, and I’ve got a great support system made up of my mother, who would kill for me, a friend who sits up with me until 2 in the morning, and a best girlfriend who brings me ice cream to pig out on until I feel better.

But wait a minute! You might be thinking, “But how does the movie end? Does the Prince accept her?” Of course, being the Cinderella story that it is, he does. But unfortunately, life isn’t a fairytale, and I’m nobody’s princess.