She Doesn't LOOK Like a Ballerina...

A photographer friend of mine has been asking me to do a ballet photo shoot with him for a while. I was ecstatic when we both finally got the chance to work together. Any chance I get to wear my pointe shoes is a good day in my book!

I LOVED how the photos turned out. He did an excellent job with the lighting and all that photography stuff that I don’t understand. And even I was so extremely pleased with how I looked in them. I felt like the ballerina that I am. And I felt skinny and pretty.

Then it began.

“She doesn't look like a ballerina… Aren't ballerinas supposed to be thinner?”

 I guess that if you have a photo shoot done, you should brace yourself for critics. And, that’s something that I didn't do. In my mind, I’m not fat anymore, and I’m also not anorexic anymore. I didn't see anything wrong with the pictures, so I never expected anyone else to either.

I was never fully anorexic, but in my teens, right after I lost all my extra weight (which was a lot), I was quite thin—almost to an unhealthy level. I went through a time where I just didn't eat. Period. Talk to my friends who were practically trying to force-feed me at school during lunch time. Talk to my mom who begged me to “just take a couple of bites.”

I got out of that. I've reached a safe and healthy weight and I’m happy with it. I even love the way I look in a Victoria’s bikini. But since the photos were done, people keep making the same comments about my size.  

And it hurts.

No seriously, it hurts. I try to keep smiling and laugh it off, pretending that it doesn't bother me, but it bothers the hell out of me. It’s as if they’re saying, “What is she doing? She’s clearly not built like a ballerina. Why should she even try? She doesn't belong there.” I mean, I know I’m curvy. I've always been large-chested, but my measurements are proportionate. I have a narrow waist. But even so, I’m not stick-straight. I’m sooooo many sizes larger than your ballerina A-cup.

  
                And it makes me feel like that fat kid again. It makes me want to throw away the bagel that I was going to have for breakfast, and the slice of pizza that I was going to have for lunch. It makes me want to starve myself all over again.

And I know that I can’t really blame it on what people say, because that isn't supposed to matter to me, right? I’m in charge of how I react to things. And I agree with that. But even I have to admit…even though I'm generally very confident about my physical appearance, this is a weak spot for me. I don’t even weigh myself anymore because that has the ability to push me over the edge back into drastic weight loss and insecurity. It’s a delicate balance.

And even more than all of this, the last “she doesn't look like a ballerina” comment came from the family member of someone I really love. And to make matters worse, I was compared to a friend who is “ballerina-size,” and I think that hurts all the more.

I guess that it kind of made me stop and think, because even though the person who related these comments to me wasn't the one who made them, and he defended me, I couldn't help but wonder, is this how he thinks this of me too? Is this how I am viewed by everyone? Is the “she’s not skinny enough” opinion the general impression of people who see me?

I don’t know. But does anyone want these bagels? I don’t want them to go to waste...