I'm Crying for Myself

I was so afraid that I wouldn't cry. I didn't cry at first when Carvey died. I think I may have damaged my soul a little when that happened, because deep inside, I could feel it crying.

When he passed, I had no previous experience with death. His was the first. I didn't know how to grieve. But then my beloved teacher and friend passed away, and I cried like a baby. I let out all the grief I had been feeling and everything came out in tears over my birthday weekend.

And now today. Last night I had the biggest fight I think I've ever had with anyone. It was with one of my best friends, and the night ended in silence. And even though we didn't even say goodbye as I got out of the car, I felt like it might be goodbye forever.

I feel like hell, and early this morning, my mom called to tell me that my great grandmother passed away last night.

I can’t stop crying. I didn't think I was going to even be able to grieve, but I think with all the loss that I've experienced in the last two months, maybe I was prepared to grieve for her.

And I know that there really isn't any need to cry for Mom Mom. As the cliché goes, “she’s in a better place.” Honestly, she’s where I want to be. Now I don’t mean that in a morbid, suicide way. But, this world is hard, and it hurts. I want to be where God is, where Mom Mom is.

I have no real reason to cry. My tears aren't because I’m sorry for Mom Mom. She’s no longer confined to her little bedroom, no longer ill. She’s better off. She lived a full, almost 94 years, and now she gets to be with God for a well-deserved rest.

Selfishly, my tears are for myself.

I keep hearing an old John Denver song. It’s a song about separation, not death, but some of the verses keep playing in my head:

It’s cold here in the city. It always seems that way. I've been thinking about you, almost every day. Thinking about the good times. Thinking about the rain. Thinking about how bad it feels alone again.

And the one verse that keeps coming up the most is that one that seems to sum up how I feel:

More than anything else, I’m sorry for myself, for living without you.

 And that’s just it. She’s not here anymore, where she’s been for all of my 25 years. Now I have to live the rest of my life without her. I know that I’m incredibly lucky that I got to spend a quarter of a century with my great grandmother, but that doesn't mean that I don’t still want her.

So, more than anything else, I’m crying for myself, because the only grandmother who I really had a chance to get to know, the only one who was really there for me all the days of my life, is gone. And God, I knows I miss her.