Risks.

So, I know people who don’t believe in taking risks. I think that’s because they've never really taken any. They've lived very safe, sheltered lives, without ever reaching out for something new, something outside of their comfort zone. (I know my mother is reading this right now, shaking her head because she always claims that I enjoy my comfort zone too much…but just hear me out.) Such people have always lived roughly in the same place, worked the same job, always been close to family, don’t walk in the rain, or do or say things just to “see what will happen.”

And that’s really all well and good. There’s nothing wrong with that. That was a good bulk of my life as well. But then, there was one day when I was seventeen when I was standing backstage at my first theatre rehearsal, waiting for my cue line, when I knew I was much too scared to step out from the wings. I searched for the nearest exit and wondered how I could get someone to come and pick me up. Then something inside of me said, “If you don’t do this now, you will regret it for the rest of your life.”

So I stepped out, and I said my first line. I didn't pass out. I didn't throw up. It went well and I've never regretted it. I've thanked my teenage-self many times for that moment, because without that, I would have missed out on the joy that has been my theatre life, and on all of the beautiful relationships that were forged.

Since then, I've taken some more risks. It was a risk to move away from my family, and it was a risk that I almost didn't take. You should have seen me the night my family and I were moving my things into my new room. I made myself physically ill, I was so scared. But in the end, I still did it. It was God’s will, so it was a risk that I was supposed to take.

And then there are the little risks, like going to an audition this week and singing a song in front of strangers, when I knew that I wasn't fully confident in my performance. But it was worth it. I got back on a stage, instead of surrendering the crippling fear that I felt inside of me. Did I get a call-back? No. But I have no regrets.

Even in my relationships, I take risks. This one is a little new for me. In the past, I feel like I've always been so well-behaved in my friendships/relationships, and in doing so, I fear that people have not always seen a true picture of who I really am. But I’m tired of that. I’m tired of people thinking that nothing ever bothers me, that their words never hurt me. They do. Those little jabs, those little slights, those little times where they ignore a text or say something hurtful do in fact hurt.

And I’m done with smiling and pretending that I’m alright. I’m going to say something now. I’m going to take a risk and let people know how I am feeling. That’s not to say that I’m going to be mean about it, but for the first time in my life, I’m going to take a risk in my relationships. I’m going to be fully myself, letting others see even my most vulnerable side at times, because I’m just tired of being someone that I’m not. The only place for that is on the stage. The only problem is that I’m afraid that I've been something that I'm not for so long that I don’t know who I am anymore.

But I will.