Sadly, All Women...

There has been a lot in the media lately about the #YesAllWomen campaign, where women are coming out about the fact that not all men may take advantage of women, but all women have at some time in their life, been taken advantage of in some way.

I wasn't really paying much attention to it before until a friend of mine posted an article on Facebook about the campaign. The author of the article talked about defense mechanisms that women sometimes use to get out of sticky situations with men. And one of them was hugging. Men take it as affection, and women use it as a way to keep track of where the man’s hands are and to buy time. It’s a way to gain a little bit of control over the situation.

Well, you have no idea how much better this made me feel.

When I was twenty, I had a friend who held Bible studies at his house, filled in for the pastor at church on Sundays sometimes, and would hang out with me at school. I trusted him and esteemed him as a really great guy with noble intentions.

Well, one night he asked me to come to a baseball game. We had always just been friends, so I didn't see it as a date. The Orioles were playing in their home stadium and he had free box seat tickets that his boss had given him. It was wonderful. He was a perfect gentleman all throughout the evening as we mingled with famous retired players, ate shrimp from the catered spread before us, and watched the game from the balcony, or the 8 big screen TVs that were in the box.

Needless to say, I had a blast. Well, we went home and that was when the trouble started. During the drive, it was all I could do to keep his hand out of my skirt. By the end of the drive, I was sitting against the truck door, hoping that I was out of his reach. I wasn't.

When we got back to his place where I had left my car, I opened the door, put my things inside and turned around to say goodnight. He promptly moved me out of the way of the door, closed it, and then leaned against it. That was when I knew I was in trouble. He was forcibly standing between me and my way of escape. And of course, his house would be in the woods in the middle of nowhere, down an empty street where no one would hear me scream.

Well, before I knew it, his 2 hands had turned into what seemed like 8, and I was being “caressed” and frisked like he was searching for weapons. I didn't know what to do. I had never been in such a situation before. I knew that there was no one around to help me, and he was, or at least I had thought he was, my friend. Plus, he was bigger than me, stronger, and already I could feel that he was forcible, from the way he was holding me down when he touched me all over.

I was scared.

So, I then did the only thing that I could think to do. I hugged him. Suddenly his 8 hands turned back into 2 and they were on my back, where I could keep track of them, and for a moment, I had a little bit of control of the situation.

Eventually my car actually saved the day, when he leaned up against the keypad on my door, pressing all the buttons at once, causing my car to make a loud noise that scared him away from the door. I took the opportunity and got inside, and the night was over.

I was violated. I knew that night that I had escaped rape, and I was so thankful. But I was also so scared. He had been someone I had trusted, someone I had gotten to know for a long time, yet there I was, only moments from being fully taken advantage of.

But do you know what the predominant feeling was that I left with? Guilt. Why guilt, you ask? Because I felt bad that I hadn't done more to take control of the situation. And I felt really bad that I had hugged him. I told people about the experience later, and no one really thought much of it, because let’s face it: pretty much every woman has had a similar situation at one point in their life. Because I hadn't been raped, my story wasn't really worth listening to.

I did tell another close guy friend about it, and he was sympathetic, but said, “Beware of expensive dates. Guys will expect stuff after.” And that’s when it hit me. Despite the fact that this guy hadn't paid a dime for that night, he had taken me out to an event that if he had paid, would have been a very pricey affair. At the end of the night, he felt like I owed him something.

Well I didn't. And needless to say, I never saw him again. But the guilt that I hadn't done more to defend myself in that situation has always stuck with me, until today. I’m really glad that this new campaign has come up, because I now know that what I did to defend myself is actually something that a lot of scared women use to placate men until they can safely get away. And at the end of the day, I know that I did the very best that I could. I saved myself, and that’s all that matters.

So, I’m not saying that all men are like this. I know MANY incredible guys who would be disgusted with men like my “friend.” But, nearly every woman has a story like mine.