The Monster Who Wanted a Fight

The idea of unconditional love freaks me out. I mean, think about it. Someone out there loves you for exactly who you are. You don’t have to do anything to earn that love. There are no tasks to complete, no hoops to jump through. No matter what you do, you cannot change that love.

My inner perfectionist has a problem with this, because I always feel like anything I get, I have to earn. And if something is freely given to me, I feel bad because I know I don't deserve it. And that’s where the problem is.

I have a bad habit of arguing with the people I love the most. Having someone get close is scary enough, because you open yourself up to getting hurt, and anyone who has ever been rejected knows what kind of searing pain that is. But my argument habit goes deeper than that. It goes to this idea of unconditional love.

As a child, I fought a lot with my mother. I think most of times I was testing the boundaries of our relationship. I didn't feel like I deserved her love, so I fought it. There were times where I felt like I had gone too far, only to find out once again that her love for me goes so much deeper than anything I could do to make her angry or upset.

And sometimes I think I have even done that with God. I've rebelled against Him, because I think I was testing His unconditional love—not a test I recommend, by the way. But time and time again, He has proven His faithfulness to me.

When I met my best girlfriend, I remember feeling this same way. Early in our friendship, we were going to take a trip to DC to see the art museums. I decided to stay home to work on the mountains of homework that I had, but I freaked out because I was afraid that letting her down this one time was going to hurt my friendship with her. But do you know what she told me? Even though she and I hadn't been friends for very long yet, she said that nothing could change our friendship or the bond between us. And that was the last time I ever worried about that.

In recent years, it’s been with guys I've started to fall for. Each time a guy gets too close, I freak out. I start picking fights over the stupidest things. Seriously. If I told you what I get mad at, you would not believe it. Even an hour or so after the fight, I look back at what we were fighting over, and I feel bad, because I know I’m in the wrong.

But why do I do that?

I think the answer lies in my self-worth. I don’t hate myself exactly, but when it comes to relationships, there is a sense of self-loathing inside. Let’s face it. I’m a perfectionist, and I don’t measure up to my own standards. I never will, and in a way, I hate that about myself. And because I don’t have that unconditional love for myself, and I only feel good about myself when I’m doing everything right (which is next to never), I don’t feel like anyone else should love me unconditionally either.

So I throw fits; I pick fights. I do anything I can to push people away, because if they don’t get too close, then I won’t have to wonder how anyone could love me in spite of my faults. I can just stay in the shadows and keep my friends at arm’s length, because you know, from there, they can’t tell just how messed up I am. And that’s easier.

But do you know what? I don't want to be like this. Down deep, all I really want is for someone to stay, to not be scared off by my fights—to see beyond that and move past my defenses.

But how do I tame this monster who just wants to fight?