I'm Sorry, I Left My Denim Jumper at Home...

In a lot of ways, I’m a girl with some old-fashioned values. I treasure my relationship with God, I enjoy my church life, and I was raised in a loving, Christian home. I’m also classically trained in ballet; I love a good cup of tea, cooking, and a marathon of The Golden Girls. This is a part of who I am. I enjoy staying home sometimes on a Friday night and curling up in my pajamas to watch Pride and Prejudice. Lace and frilly things are my delight.

But do you know what else I like? I like skateboarding and denim vests with the sleeves cut out. I take pride in the fact that I have a great job and I’m able to support myself and live on my own, even far away from my family. I take good care of my car, and I have a working knowledge of what goes on under the hood. I go places on my own and I’m not afraid. I’m independent and fully capable of taking care of myself.

When dating, I don’t look for a guy who’s got money, a fancy car, or a nice place, because those aren't priorities to me. I’m not looking to be taken care of. What I do look for in a guy is his spiritual well-being, where he is in his relationship with God, what his values are, whether or not he wears socks with sandals—you know, the important things.

But lately, what I've noticed is that the guys who are into God and their church are the same guys who are not looking for an independent woman.  These guys all seem to be devoting their attention to the Little House on the Prairie, denim-jumper-wearing, Suzy homemaker types.

Now, there is nothing wrong with that at all. If that’s who these women are, then they should be who they want to be. But what I don’t get is why do I seem to find a string of guys who expect me to be that kind of girl? Is it too much to ask to meet a guy who loves the Lord but is also is okay if his girlfriend can take care of herself? Since when did Christian men start feeling like they had to prove their masculinity by dating girls who they could keep under their thumb?

You know, someday I too might be a stay-at-home mom, but that’s not who I am right now. God placed me in the job I’m at, in the city where I currently live. It’s just me and God these days, so of course I look out for myself and I take care of things on my own. But just because I can check my own oil and tire pressure shouldn't mean that I’m completely overlooked by the guys in the church. What happened to all of the men who could date an educated and independent woman without feeling inferior?

Step up the game, guys. We are all equals here.

Lies...Lies of the Devil.

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re just not good enough? That maybe you’re too damaged to ever be loved by anyone?

Lies. Lies of the Devil.

I feel that way, especially lately. In a culture that’s so centered around male/female love and sex, there is so much pressure to find “the one,” and to get married so that you can finally obtain that “true love,” that all the movies are talking about.

I've bitten the apple and swallowed the belief myself. I fight against it because my inner feminist won’t take that lying down, but it’s still there all the same.

I went through two bad relationships this year. One you all know about because I talked about him a lot earlier in the year. Well, I got over than and forgave him. The second was in some ways worse than the first because he led me on, and then started seeing another girl while he was still with me, seeing me...kissing me. Yeah. On top of that, when we were dating, he didn't tell anyone about me. It was as if he was ashamed of me, hiding me away from the world.

I got used. I got played. Being hidden away like that, and then cheated on made me feel as if I was useless, unloved, worthless.

But that can’t be right…right?

Right.

Why is it that I can’t seem to find my worth in God, where I’m supposed to find it? Often, I think that’s because I feel as if I’m not good enough for Him either. And let’s face it. I’m not. No one is. But see, that’s the thing. God loves me regardless of the stupid stuff I do. He loves me in my anger, in my hurt, in my sin, in my bitterness. And let me tell you, that’s more unconditional love than I’m ever going to get from any guy.

And no, this isn't one of those “I’m never dating again,” posts, because as friends have said in describing me before, “She really likes boys.” Yeah. I’m not done by a long shot. I’ll keep dating and maybe someday I’ll find somebody good.

But in the meantime, I’m going to keep getting up in the morning, I’m going to keep going to work. I’m going to keep being happy (because that’s a choice), and I’m going to keep putting my desires, needs, and sense of self-worth back in God’s hands, even if I have to place them there every freaken day. Because that is where that belongs.

No one is too broken or messed up for God to fix. And you know what? He’s not finished with me yet.