Lies...Lies of the Devil.

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re just not good enough? That maybe you’re too damaged to ever be loved by anyone?

Lies. Lies of the Devil.

I feel that way, especially lately. In a culture that’s so centered around male/female love and sex, there is so much pressure to find “the one,” and to get married so that you can finally obtain that “true love,” that all the movies are talking about.

I've bitten the apple and swallowed the belief myself. I fight against it because my inner feminist won’t take that lying down, but it’s still there all the same.

I went through two bad relationships this year. One you all know about because I talked about him a lot earlier in the year. Well, I got over than and forgave him. The second was in some ways worse than the first because he led me on, and then started seeing another girl while he was still with me, seeing me...kissing me. Yeah. On top of that, when we were dating, he didn't tell anyone about me. It was as if he was ashamed of me, hiding me away from the world.

I got used. I got played. Being hidden away like that, and then cheated on made me feel as if I was useless, unloved, worthless.

But that can’t be right…right?

Right.

Why is it that I can’t seem to find my worth in God, where I’m supposed to find it? Often, I think that’s because I feel as if I’m not good enough for Him either. And let’s face it. I’m not. No one is. But see, that’s the thing. God loves me regardless of the stupid stuff I do. He loves me in my anger, in my hurt, in my sin, in my bitterness. And let me tell you, that’s more unconditional love than I’m ever going to get from any guy.

And no, this isn't one of those “I’m never dating again,” posts, because as friends have said in describing me before, “She really likes boys.” Yeah. I’m not done by a long shot. I’ll keep dating and maybe someday I’ll find somebody good.

But in the meantime, I’m going to keep getting up in the morning, I’m going to keep going to work. I’m going to keep being happy (because that’s a choice), and I’m going to keep putting my desires, needs, and sense of self-worth back in God’s hands, even if I have to place them there every freaken day. Because that is where that belongs.

No one is too broken or messed up for God to fix. And you know what? He’s not finished with me yet.

Vanished into the Mists....Like Brigadoon....

My show, Brigadoon, is over. It has vanished into the annoying mists that caused the entire cast to choke and sputter backstage. It was a wonderful final performance. I got to play the part of Maggie and dance the final ballets. Ballet has become a part of my life again, and I’m reluctant to let it go. I finally feel like a real dancer, unlike I have ever felt before in my life. I owe that sense of accomplishment to the choreographer, director, and fellow dancers who all supported my endeavors to get back on my toes. I am proud of what I have done, and I will treasure that experience always.


I have met many wonderful people through this show, and have been reunited with others that I haven’t worked with in a year, or years. One of the best parts about theatre is that it is a family. I’ve discovered that theatre is a place for misfits. Ah yes, sad, but true. We are all very quirky people who have found that even though we have our own lives outside of the stage, we work best together, and that we relate to one another. We just fit. Even people who I felt were so different from me at the begging of the show, and I thought would never be close to me, have become just that. Theatre teaches one to look past a person’s looks and all outward personas, and to just focus on the individual at his or her very core. That’s what I love about it. I am so different from so many of them, just as they are so different from me and each other, yet, we accept that, we accept the quirks, and realize that those differences are what make us FIT.

I love my theatre family, and last night, I was reunited with some friends who I haven’t seen or worked with since I first started theatre many years ago. I looked around me at one point in the evening, and saw that I was surrounded by several members of the very first cast that I ever worked with. All at once, I was back in “Ah, Wilderness” and was 17 again, experiencing love and theatre for the first time. They say that your first time for anything is something that you can never recapture. That might be true, but sometimes, you can get awfully darn close.

Together, we relived memories, shared stories, encouraged each other, caught up on current events in our lives, gave gifts, hugged, sang show tunes, and took dozens of pictures. It’s always hard to leave these people, but I’ve got an autograph book full of messages, a camera full of photos, a mind full of memories, and a heart full of love for the actors.

But the Greatest of These is Love

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails…….13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthans 4-13


So, love conqures all, huh? I sure hope so, because sometimes, that’s all we’ve got. I’m not going to get all philosophical on you, but I’ve been going through some rough stuff very recently, and even though my faith and trust have been challenged, I’ve realized that regardless of what happens, love remains.

Sometimes we all need reminders of what is really important in life. I’ve had constant reminders over the past few days, and have been carrying one around with me, in my pocket. It is a little green, sea glass stone with the word, “Faith” etched inside of it. As I walk, I can feel the weight of it in my pocket, and I smile as I think of the friend who gave it to me as a graduation present, but also for what it stands for.

I appreciate all of the wonderful people who have taken their time to talk to me over the past few days. I truly am a blessed person to have so many wonderful friends and family members. So thank you. I shall try to make this my last depressing blog for awhile. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining to the cloud, the icing on the cake, the cream in the cookie, and all of those other clichés!

I hope that you are reading this today, and I know that if you are, you will know what I mean. Even though we might not hear from each other for awhile, I’m still here, and I’ve placed all of this in God’ s hands. This too shall pass. Keep the faith. I love you.

To Everyone Who Came to See Brigadoon Last Night! THANK YOU!!!

Last night was without a doubt the best show of Brigadoon that we have had yet! For the first time, I felt confident about my ballet numbers, and they went off without a hitch. The best part was that several of my best friends were there. It means so much to me when friends come to see the show. My one friend, who I wrote about yesterday, drove two and a half hours to come visit us and see the show. He’s a great guy, and a perfect gentleman. When he saw that I would have a long walk in the dark to get back to my car, he insisted on walking back with me. Not a lot of guys would do that nowadays. Even though I know I’m perfectly safe walking to my car, it’s nice to know someone’s looking out for me.

Earlier in the evening, I had been outside the theatre, standing in utter darkness during the intermission, trying to send a text message (because there is no cell phone service in the theatre), and I saw someone walk by the alleyway. He looked incredibly like a boy that I’ve done several shows with. He had the right profile, the right walk and carriage. I knew it had to be him. He passed by three times before I got up the courage to call to him. Of course, I couldn’t go over there to him. I was in a full-length gown, wearing enough makeup to be mistaken as a “lady of the evening.” He came over, and we talked during intermission. He’s the type of person that I always hate to let go. We’ve become close, and I really value him. It meant a lot to me that he came out to see me and his other theatre friends a second time. I mean…tickets aren’t cheap.

With everyone who was there last night, it was delightful to see so many other familiar faces in the crowd. After the show, I looked around at everyone who was grouped outside the theatre, and I have done a show with nearly every one of them sometime in the past. Theatre is like a family, and often, a show becomes like a great big family reunion, or rather, several reunions.

Of course in every family, there are little dysfunctions… I saw that the guy who had played opposite me last summer had come. As he was standing in a circle, talking to some of the actors, I came over and said hello. He barely glanced at me, said “hi” and turned away. I bet his shoulder is still icy from that one. I don’t know what was wrong, we hadn’t had a fight. I suppose that it might have been because his girlfriend was standing right there with him… Sometimes relationships change people.

All in all, it was a great night. Now I’m ready to head to work, drive way too fast trying to get to the theatre in time, and do it all again tonight. Wish me a broken leg!

A blown fuse, Nancy Drew, great friends, and a kid on the roof...

Well my day has been off to an interesting start. It’s my day off, and I’m at home with my two younger siblings. My brother is crawling around on the roof, sounding like a very large squirrel, or a hurricane wind, and my little sister just blew a fuse. She didn’t know that it is a bad idea to run the air conditioning, the microwave, the toaster, not to mention the various other small appliances in the kitchen at the same time. I called my dad, and he walked me though how to get the fuse working again. At first, I was having a blond moment and didn’t notice the ancient, hand written, smeared and blurred list of labels for each fuse on the back of the fuse box door until after I was already frustrated that the individual fuses were not all labeled. Once I saw the list, it was easy to locate the trouble fuse. For a moment, I felt like Nancy Drew defusing a bomb…except there was no bomb, and I am not an eighteen-year-old detective with a cool car and a hot boyfriend.

Hopefully this day will get better. It looks a little dark and cloudy outside, as if it might rain at any second, but that’s okay. I’ve got big plans for today! After lunch, I’m going over my best friend’s house and we are going to hang out with a good friend of ours who is visiting, even though he has to drive several hours to see us. After dinner at their house, the whole group is going to come see my show tonight at the theatre. I must say, I’m extremely excited for them all to see the show. Since I am sharing my role with another girl, I am glad that my friend will get to see me playing my more important role tonight. I don’t say a word, and I have no solo songs, but I perform in several ballets, so I still feel that my role is vital to the show.

I am also very flattered that my friend is driving so far to come and watch my show. I have several family members who live near him, and they have never braved the long drive to even so much as come and visit us, let alone come see one of my shows. I mean, I understand. It’s a long trip…but I can’t help but think some times that that verse in the Bible hit the nail right on the head when it said something about a friend sticking closer than a brother. I’ve got a great family, but I must say, I’ve also got some pretty amazing friend who continue to surprise me with their loyalty and commitment. So, thanks guys. Enjoy the show!